It's been a minute - or 43 years

     If you would have asked me how I felt turning 42 last year, I would have said something about being excited and ready for the year. In a way I thought I was going to find my power this past year. I don't know what I meant about that, but that was the word that was coming to mind for that year. 

    Just a couple of weeks in, my outlook flipped completely over. Looking back over the year to my posts on Facebook, I might have even given the evasive, depressing statement along the lines of "This year was not great at all". If I let myself, I completely believe that. There was heartache, family health issues and other struggles, feeling like a failure in everything I did, and work turned into the hardest, most stressful, and challenging (not in a productive way) part of the year. It broke me and I did not see a way through it. 

    However, that's when I did truly find power, God's Power! It wasn't sudden and it sure hasn't been easy, but it's been there more than it ever has been in my life before. I'm still on that journey, as the growth has actually opened my soul to many feelings and realizations that I didn't even know were part of life. It's a journey that I can now see won't end anytime soon. It has been little signs throughout the past year that has kept me going. Seeing God in the little areas of life, instead of just waiting for the big events.

    I'm finding that my patience for God's timing is still not nearly as strong as it should be. Though now I notice my impatience and usually I try to turn that over to God. I will pray that He gives me His patience and faith. I try to have faith that His plan is really what is best for me and try to listen for His voice and direction.

    I have lamented to God more this year and I am learning to take time to talk with Him, especially before the stress hits me. I am journaling more and talking walks or just sitting silently to listen to the nature that surrounds me. I am also learning to thank Him for blessings, great, but mostly small. 

Throughout all of this He has blessed me with many experiences including four trips, spending time with friends I haven't seen in a very long time, growing new friendships, and spending time with my family and watching us all support one another.

He has blessed me with grace. His grace, learning to give myself grace, and further understanding how important it is to give grace to others.

He has taught me to lean into His truths. While I still struggle with the lies that my mind throws at me on a daily basis, I'm also reminded to push back and to call Him into fight those battles for me.

He is teaching me to turn away from activities that were taking away peace and instead turn to the One that can give me peace. 

As I'm turning 43, I'm not going into this year with the same excitement and joy that I had a year ago. I know it's going to be a hard year. I have absolutely no idea where God is going to lead me. Right now, it just seems like I'm at the longest red light of my life and not knowing which way to go. I very possibly could be at that red light for the entire year. I have no idea how God is going to work in me and through me. At times I wonder if it's even possible, but of course it is. With all the unknowns that face me, I do know a few things.

I know God is with me. I know He holds me when I cry and celebrates with me when I'm happy. I know that he has blessed me with family and friends that love me and I'm grateful for every one of you. I know that there is good in even the darkest days.

So, no, this past year was not that great, but moments were. And focusing on those moments are what I'm going to carry into this next go 'round.