I started praying that God would show me His path for me. And that sent a whole new train of thoughts going. Feeling guilty that I haven't been spending the time with Him. Having no idea why I haven't turned to him more. Wanting to tell this truth, but being so scared of 'offending' my non-Christian friends that I just stay silent. I've come to realize that is exactly what I shouldn't be doing. If I tell my truth correctly, people might disagree, but as it is still coming out of love hopefully they won't be offended.
I then realized in some ways I knew part of my path, I was just too scared to follow it. So then I started praying that God would show me His path for me and give me the courage and strength to follow it. It still took me two days to find that courage and strength, I still don't know the right words for this blog, but I don't know if I ever really will. So here is my heartache.
During this strange time of the Covid pandemic my heartaches for so many different reasons. It of course aches for all the lives that have been lost and the people that are fighting for their lives. It aches for the healthcare providers that are living out their oath every single day in a way they never imagined they would.
My heart aches for all of the other essential workers that are doing their part to keep everyone else going. It aches for all of the workers that have been unemployed during this time. It aches for the students and teachers who are feeling lost and for the store owners/managers that are trying to do their best for their workers, their customers and sometimes even their own lively hoods.
Those are some of the heartaches that I think most people in the world feel right now. But then there are some that are harder for me to explain and what causes me not to connect as much with my loved ones, especially on social media. My heartaches that I can't do more. It aches soooo much that while 90% of my feeds are positive and about coming together at this time of great need, there are still those that find their console in tearing other people or groups down.
My heart aches for all of the leaders throughout the entire world who are having to come up with solutions quicker than they have ever done before on a global (or even small scale) level. While for some of the politicians this is part of their job description, I'm willing to bet that this is not one of those job descriptions that they ever thought they would have to do. Some of them have been blessed to be finding their footing quickly with this new leadership. Others not so much. My heart aches that at times lots of us, myself included, forget they are human and will make missteps along the way.
My heart aches for the government workers who have been inundated with more work than they could have imagined in a record breaking short amount of time. Along with the technology companies that we now all rely on so much, that were not expecting to have so many new users in such a short amount of time.
My heart aches that I feel so at peace spending time on the farm that I love so much, while others feel imprisoned in their homes. For what ever reason God has given me such a peaceful feeling during the past three weeks. However I know this has been the opposite for so many people. It is painful to think of all of those people's hardships.
At times the heart ache is so strong the only thing I can do is retreat and find some nonsense to clear my head. I have a feeling that I'm due for so many more heartaches before this is all over. And even more after it is over. As I fear many of us will not retain the kindness and love we are striving for now.
In one of my devotions I was told about the origin Longfellow poem "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day". It's strange to think of that poem at this time, but I had not realized that it had been written during the Civil War. As this is a war of it's own kind it makes since. I have sung this along with the radio or CD's for years, but never really listened to the words I was singing. Especially the following sections:
And in despair I bowed my head
"There is no peace on Earth" I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on Earth, good will to men
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead nor does He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on Earth, good will to men
During this time when my heart aches I will remind myself that God is not dead. He is here with us all. Let us ring the bells "loud and deep".
