I'm a self admitted cry baby. I always have been. It just wasn't until the last few years that I actually started to understand why and while I still have a hard time embracing it, I'm learning to do that as well.
I remember when I was young crying about a lot of things. I remember when a friend tried to help me with my spelling on the school bus and I got frustrated that I couldn't get it right. I remember turning away from her and crying. Even then I was embarrassed by my crying and from what I remember I pushed her away after that and our friendship soon dissolved.
That is the start of my being aware that I was a cry baby, but I didn't know how to stop. I can tell you memory after memory from grade school and middle school of me crying for some reason or another. And it didn't stop there, I just got a little better at hiding it most times. Or so I think.
In Jr. High one afternoon during volleyball practice my assistant coach called me out into the hallway and told me "No one likes a cry baby. You need to learn to not cry." She was one of my favorite teachers, so I took the words to heart. After all it is fairly true. No one likes a cry baby. And if you don't understand why a person is a cry baby, it can be quite annoying.
After I was instructed to learn not to cry, I tried many ways to make that possible. At least in public. I even started doing algebra in my head to keep from crying. This came in handy later in life when I went on a first date and we chose the movie "Pay It Forward".
Note to self and all other singles out there: Don't go to see a sappy movie on your first date!
I thought the best way for me to solve this problem was just to push everything down and bottle it up inside. That would work, until I completely would fall apart. The shower was my favorite place to fall apart because the tears flowed just like the shower water.
In college it was a little harder. Living with 50 women made it hard to find a spot where I could cry alone. And then my world fell apart when I flunked out of school, rightfully got kicked out of student housing, and soon after my boyfriend broke up with me. At that point I still didn't realize why I cried or what my mind and body were really trying to tell me when I cried. I spent years and years stifling my tears.
It wasn't until I found my church home in St. Louis that I started to embrace my tears. I can remember first going there and fighting my hardest to keep back the tears while they prayed for me and I learned more about myself. I didn't even make it a month there before I broke down in one of the small groups talking about how my mom had taken a drastic turn just 6 months earlier. Her MS had caused severe complications that caused a grand mal seizure. And that just 3 months earlier my sister had been diagnosed with leukemia. And the icing on the cake was I lost one my jobs the week I started going to church.
I couldn't keep it in any longer. I broke down completely. What surprised me though, was that this group of people embraced my tears. They didn't see me as a cry baby (at least not at that point :)) and they didn't find me annoying (again at least not at that point ;) ). This was a real turning point for me, though I it was just the beginning of me learning why exactly it is that I cry.
I still don't know all the reasons, but in the past couple of years I've studied the enneagrams a little and learned that I'm a 2 (the care giver). I can see/hear the pain, hurt, sadness, joy in others and that can trigger tears in my. I now know that's why I cry so easily at movies and songs.
I know I cry when I'm tired. I used to HATE it when I would be crying and my mom told me I was crying just because I was tired. That couldn't possibly be why I was crying! And now I will admit out loud "I'm crying and extra upset because I'm so exhausted. I just need to go to bed."
I also cry when I feel that I'm not being heard or seen. This might be the most unhealthy of my cry reasons. This is where the cry baby name comes out. I'm not one to look for conflict. I want to make everyone happy. The quote I've heard about 2's is that we "desire to be needed, but need to be wanted." This was life changing for me. When I feel that I'm being needed, but not wanted it triggers me. I feel disrespected and the emotions just come out. It's really hard for me, but I'm learning to use my words more. It's super hard for me as this isn't how I've dealt with my emotions most of my life.
Yes, I'm sensitive. Yes, my emotions come through my tear ducts. Yes, this turns quite a few people away from me. Yes, I've been crying while writing this entire piece. Yes, I've been trying hide the fact that I've been crying from my dad who is sitting just a couple feet away.
I don't think I'll ever stop the tears. I just hope that along with the tears I'll find my voice.
