Heartaches

I've gone back and forth on how to write this one. It started a couple nights ago when I couldn't fall asleep. It was the third night in a row that I couldn't fall asleep easily. I've always been a night owl, but this was different. This was actually just lying in my bed and the thoughts just kept flowing through my mind. Thoughts about work, projects not yet finished, bittersweet memories, the rabbit hole that is my singleness, my purpose in life and just an overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

I started praying that God would show me His path for me. And that sent a whole new train of thoughts going. Feeling guilty that I haven't been spending the time with Him. Having no idea why I haven't turned to him more. Wanting to tell this truth, but being so scared of 'offending' my non-Christian friends that I just stay silent. I've come to realize that is exactly what I shouldn't be doing. If I tell my truth correctly, people might disagree, but as it is still coming out of love hopefully they won't be offended. 

I then realized in some ways I knew part of my path, I was just too scared to follow it. So then I started praying that God would show me His path for me and give me the courage and strength to follow it. It still took me two days to find that courage and strength, I still don't know the right words for this blog, but I don't know if I ever really will. So here is my heartache.

During this strange time of the Covid pandemic my heartaches for so many different reasons. It of course aches for all the lives that have been lost and the people that are fighting for their lives. It aches for the healthcare providers that are living out their oath every single day in a way they never imagined they would.

My heart aches for all of the other essential workers that are doing their part to keep everyone else going. It aches for all of the workers that have been unemployed during this time. It aches for the students and teachers who are feeling lost and for the store owners/managers that are trying to do their best for their workers, their customers and sometimes even their own lively hoods. 

Those are some of the heartaches that I think most people in the world feel right now. But then there are some that are harder for me to explain and what causes me not to connect as much with my loved ones, especially on social media. My heartaches that I can't do more. It aches soooo much that while 90% of my feeds are positive and about coming together at this time of great need, there are still those that find their console in tearing other people or groups down. 

My heart aches for all of the leaders throughout the entire world who are having to come up with solutions quicker than they have ever done before on a global (or even small scale) level. While for some of the politicians this is part of their job description, I'm willing to bet that this is not one of those job descriptions that they ever thought they would have to do. Some of them have been blessed to be finding their footing quickly with this new leadership. Others not so much. My heart aches that at times lots of us, myself included, forget they are human and will make missteps along the way. 

My heart aches for the government workers who have been inundated with more work than they could have imagined in a record breaking short amount of time. Along with the technology companies that we now all rely on so much, that were not expecting to have so many new users in such a short amount of time.

My heart aches that I feel so at peace spending time on the farm that I love so much, while others feel imprisoned in their homes. For what ever reason God has given me such a peaceful feeling during the past three weeks. However I know this has been the opposite for so many people. It is painful to think of all of those people's hardships. 

At times the heart ache is so strong the only thing I can do is retreat and find some nonsense to clear my head. I have a feeling that I'm due for so many more heartaches before this is all over. And even more after it is over. As I fear many of us will not retain the kindness and love we are striving for now.

In one of my devotions I was told about the origin Longfellow poem "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day". It's strange to think of that poem at this time, but I had not realized that it had been written during the Civil War. As this is a war of it's own kind it makes since. I have sung this along with the radio or CD's for years, but never really listened to the words I was singing. Especially the following sections:

And in despair I bowed my head

"There is no peace on Earth" I said

For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of peace on Earth, good will to men

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep

God is not dead nor does He sleep

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail

With peace on Earth, good will to men

During this time when my heart aches I will remind myself that God is not dead. He is here with us all. Let us ring the bells "loud and deep".

Cry Baby

I'm a self admitted cry baby. I always have been. It just wasn't until the last few years that I actually started to understand why and while I still have a hard time embracing it, I'm learning to do that as well.

I remember when I was young crying about a lot of things. I remember when a friend tried to help me with my spelling on the school bus and I got frustrated that I couldn't get it right. I remember turning away from her and crying. Even then I was embarrassed by my crying and from what I remember I pushed her away after that and our friendship soon dissolved.

That is the start of my being aware that I was a cry baby, but I didn't know how to stop. I can tell you memory after memory from grade school and middle school of me crying for some reason or another. And it didn't stop there, I just got a little better at hiding it most times. Or so I think.

In Jr. High one afternoon during volleyball practice my assistant coach called me out into the hallway and told me "No one likes a cry baby. You need to learn to not cry." She was one of my favorite teachers, so I took the words to heart. After all it is fairly true. No one likes a cry baby. And if you don't understand why a person is a cry baby, it can be quite annoying.

After I was instructed to learn not to cry, I tried many ways to make that possible. At least in public. I even started doing algebra in my head to keep from crying. This came in handy later in life when I went on a first date and we chose the movie "Pay It Forward". 

Note to self and all other singles out there: Don't go to see a sappy movie on your first date! 

I thought the best way for me to solve this problem was just to push everything down and bottle it up inside. That would work, until I completely would fall apart. The shower was my favorite place to fall apart because the tears flowed just like the shower water.

In college it was a little harder. Living with 50 women made it hard to find a spot where I could cry alone. And then my world fell apart when I flunked out of school, rightfully got kicked out of student housing, and soon after my boyfriend broke up with me. At that point I still didn't realize why I cried or what my mind and body were really trying to tell me when I cried. I spent years and years stifling my tears.

It wasn't until I found my church home in St. Louis that I started to embrace my tears. I can remember first going there and fighting my hardest to keep back the tears while they prayed for me and I learned more about myself. I didn't even make it a month there before I broke down in one of the small groups talking about how my mom had taken a drastic turn just 6 months earlier. Her MS had caused severe complications that caused a grand mal seizure. And that just 3 months earlier my sister had been diagnosed with leukemia. And the icing on the cake was I lost one my jobs the week I started going to church.

I couldn't keep it in any longer. I broke down completely. What surprised me though, was that this group of people embraced my tears. They didn't see me as a cry baby (at least not at that point :)) and they didn't find me annoying (again at least not at that point ;) ). This was a real turning point for me, though I it was just the beginning of me learning why exactly it is that I cry.

I still don't know all the reasons, but in the past couple of years I've studied the enneagrams a little and learned that I'm a 2 (the care giver). I can see/hear the pain, hurt, sadness, joy in others and that can trigger tears in my. I now know that's why I cry so easily at movies and songs.

I know I cry when I'm tired. I used to HATE it when I would be crying and my mom told me I was crying just because I was tired. That couldn't possibly be why I was crying! And now I will admit out loud "I'm crying and extra upset because I'm so exhausted. I just need to go to bed."

I also cry when I feel that I'm not being heard or seen. This might be the most unhealthy of my cry reasons. This is where the cry baby name comes out. I'm not one to look for conflict. I want to make everyone happy. The quote I've heard about 2's is that we "desire to be needed, but need to be wanted." This was life changing for me. When I feel that I'm being needed, but not wanted it triggers me. I feel disrespected and the emotions just come out. It's really hard for me, but I'm learning to use my words more. It's super hard for me as this isn't how I've dealt with my emotions most of my life.

 Yes, I'm sensitive. Yes, my emotions come through my tear ducts. Yes, this turns quite a few people away from me. Yes, I've been crying while writing this entire piece. Yes, I've been trying hide the fact that I've been crying from my dad who is sitting just a couple feet away.

I don't think I'll ever stop the tears. I just hope that along with the tears I'll find my voice.